DRY Ink

I feel all unsettled and can’t quite get comfortable. I have all these amazing things in my life. I have an amazing life, so run back and forth between them trying to settle things, but I just can’t quite touch it.
I think about quitting, but I’ve been a therapist, in training to be a therapist or planning to train to be a therapist for the past 20 years. Without that I’m unsure of who I am, so I take more pictures. Then they go in the pile to be edited and stack up with the other things I’m neglecting because somehow I can’t take pictures without you telling me what to take pictures of. That’s not art. So I think I should get my MFA and become a “real” photographer. That will somehow settle things.
Maybe it’s Jacob moving out and doing so well, and the youngest cherubs are just getting so damn big and we have been on the adoption list for years. Maybe it’s time to move on, but then Emme talks about a sister and my heart breaks, but there is nothing I can do about it. So I don’t dare go there. And they have just been so in my face this summer, but school starts in mere days. It’s just so unsettled.
The 5th anniversary of Katrina is coming up and I think I’m ready to talk about it, but you can’t have Gustav. Not yet. So I plan road trips and I go and travel and visit and take pictures. I love that, but eventually it all has to slow down and I stop and things still aren’t right.
I’m not happy with my body, but I’m size 4/6, so that just seems ridiculous. I should start working out again. I should drink less diet Dr. Pepper. Or maybe I should just stop caring and live in a bikini for a week. That seemed to work out well while I was at the beach.
And my period is coming, can it be that simple? I listen to music and decide I need to create, so I start another project around the house that either works or doesn’t work and then I work on it until it does. But then it ends or I wander off and I’m in the exact same position as when I started all this.
I’m drifting around aimless and can’t seem to find my place. Maybe it’s time to try some of the new generation ADHD medications. Maybe that will fix this. But then I would have to go to the doctor for regular med checks and that just seems to end up in the ‘to do’ pile, see above. Besides starting new medications is always such a pain. I can’t even talk myself into going back on the pill, when I know it clears my skin up.
Maybe I’ll just wait until next week when my period is over and see how I feel. And maybe I’ll call right now to make an appointment to go back on the pill.

I’m thinking of updating my blog.

I’ll let you know how it turns out.

We ride bikes to school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Jack has taken to leaving early. Earlier than us so that he can ‘ride by himself’. This means he doesn’t wait for us at dismissal either. He rides home ‘alone’ too.

Yesterday morning Em met me at my bath room door crying.

It would seem that Jack told her that he was going to school and never leaving, so I would be arrested for child abandonment.

I love being the parent.

I had a dream last night that I was flying a helicopter. Which is normally pretty fun, only at some point my level of consciousness became aware enough to register that my eyes were closed.

Here is where the hero race car driver kicked in. “Do you realize how unsafe this is? And not just for you and anyone in the car/train/plane/helicopter/boat, but for everyone on the road/track/air/river/ocean with you. Really what are you thinking? I taught you better this. I can’t believe you would act like this.” All the years of lectures kicked in a single moment and spent the next who knows how long trying to open my eyes. Only I couldn’t. As I struggled, I was occasionally able to open them, but I couldn’t actually see anything when I did. When my eyes were closed my field of vision was perfect, but in the brief moments I ‘opened’ my eyes, everything was fuzzy like the little blonde girl in front of the TV in Poltergeist.

But I could shake the hero’s training despite the reality that it obviously didn’t apply in this situation, and I continued to try to get my eyes open. I had to be safe, damn it. After much struggling I was finally able to open them and do you know what happened? Yep, I woke up. There I was eyes wide open staring at the ceiling at 7 am.

Thanks, dad. Thanks to you I can’t even be unsafe in my dreams!

This is my new planner.

I may need to be alone now.