Dear Katrina,

This year I will no longer consider myself a failure if I cry when talking about you. If I cry for the rest of my life whenever you come up, that’s okay. You were traumatic. I accept that.

This year I will remove the chip from my shoulder. I will no longer rage against others who want to talk about you. I will accept people are naturally curious. I will quit taking my rage for YOU out on others. No, they were not here, they do not know, but they can ask questions. It’s okay. I will even attempt to put up with the analysis and conflicting opinions. Being caught up in the hierarchy of suffering is pointless. I will allow everyone the room to process the experience in their own way.

This year and for ever more I will focus on the good. I will remember the way everyone came together to help. That even though things went wrong, everyone truly pitched in and gave everything. And then some. I will no longer participate in the ‘they didn’t do enough’ and ‘they went about it all wrong’ games. I was here, in the middle of it and I am telling you that everyone was throwing everything they had at you, Katrina. If anyone felll short, at least they were trying.

This year I will formally thank Dr. H A P Myers for coming all the way down from Idaho and supporting my practice as we tried to help the shelter that my church became. I was all alone with my office being hit so hard and on an island of trauma. I was scared and hurting, but Dr. Myers took my hand and provided normalcy and direction. He pointed out all that was still functioning and by rolling up his sleeves, showed me that I could do it too. I will never forget sitting in the nursery room with him reviewing files. He looked at the cherubs playing beside us and said, “You know, it’s so important to watch healthy kids to remember what that looks like.” Then we were quiet and just played with the kids, forever reminding me that my kids were safe and happy and to look for and find the joy in life again.

I will acknowledge that you are a part of my history, but do not have to shape my future. Today I take my power back from you. You were nothing but a weather event, traumatic, but not alive. So today, I stop writing letters to you.
Today I say good bye to you and keep moving forward.

Erika

I’m just not ready. I’m not ready for all the news reports, the constant coverage and the land blasting of your memories.

I’m not ready, even though it’s been 4 years. I still can’t deal with you. I know I should. Believe me, I know. But I just can’t. I tried, really I did. I even made an appointment for PTSD counseling this year. But when I finally worked up the nerve to go, it turned out to be with a friend I went to grad school with. I just didn’t have the strength to reschedule. It was easier to get wrapped up in life and forget about you in the day to day grind again.

I’ve even tried digging through the mental wreckage myself. It’s not like I’m not qualified. I should be able to do this, or at least get the process started. But every time I do, I end up crying big, huge rain puddle tears. We both know how much I hate to cry. It just leaves my face all puffy and my nose snotty. That among others, is the reason I rarely cried during your little visit. Well that and there just wasn’t time. It’s always so much easier when there’s not time.

I know I need to deal with you soon, that I shouldn’t let another year pass. Even now writing this, I am realizing that I have battled with my eating disorder two out of the past four years in August. Hmmm, curious I’ve never put that together before now. But the raw truth is, most days I don’t think about you. So it’s just easier to forget the dark shadow that has taken up residence in the back corner of my already over loaded brain.

So this isn’t my usual post telling you to eff off, and everyone to quit talking about you, especially if they weren’t there. This year is a promise, a promise that I will deal with you before your next anniversary. That I will not let you have another year of my life, while you blacken that tiny corner in the farthest recesses of my mind. How ever small it is, you don’t deserve it. And so I will deal with you, but just not tomorrow. I will not even acknowledge you tomorrow. I will allow myself and therefore deny you, tomorrow. It’s the least I can do for both of us.

Sincerely,
Erika

PS: I still think you are a whore.

Watching the Tigers march down the field in that 4th quarter drive was better than Christmas. Hopefully this march will continue until we arrive at the national championship. Oh yea, and it was really nice of the media darlings USC to shoot themselves in the foot for us too.

Geaux Tigers!

all the best,

Erika

Hello

Hi, this is (Jane Smith) with, (the organization you work for).
*aside – I have previously mentioned this information here, but now think better of that and that I should use a little more discretion, so I will.
I was just calling to touch base with you and see how things are going and how your doing.

I’m okay, things are certainly a little crazy, though.

Really? I’m sure things have been really hard for you. Can you tell me more about that?

(Clearly she has slip into therapy mode, and I recognized it, I just thought she was concerned for me because the increased work load and no immediate supervisor. But no.)

Well you know, with all the extra work and the case load, things are little hetic.

Case load? What kind of case load.

Blink. Blink. Um, my counseling patients.

You counsel? For who?

For you, for (your organization).

Really, cause I just have a message here that I was supposed to call you about your psychiatric meds. Oh, oh, (you can hear the light bulb turning on here), you have access to psychiatric meds, that’s what this is about.

Yeah, we have a psychiatrist staying with us and some medications available. We called the crisis line to let them know that if they needed anything we would drive down and help out on the coast. But we never got the phone call so we lent the Doctor out to the state hospital, after all my clients were taken care of.

Really, well that’s good to know. We sure could have used you yesterday. How much longer is the doctor here for?

He leaves Tuesday.

Good to know. I’ll make a note of it here. Thanks for all your help and bearing with me in the confusion.

No problem. Call if I can help.

We will. Thanks again. Good bye.

Good bye.

And yes, I realize I dropped the ball here. I should have said a million things, about he voices, about the urges, and even just, “nope, meds all gone, I took them.” Alas, I’m just never that quick on my feet.

posted by Erika at @ 11:00 am | 10 Comments

If you pick a fourteen year old up early from his father’s, just because a hurricane is headed straight for us and said father lives in A TRAILER, (and they both see nothing wrong with this, I’m not judging, really, just commenting), he will act like such a shit at having to be home and not with his father, that by two days after the hurricane hits, (I mean really, nothing even happened to the trailer, other than they lost power for 5 days so clearly I was over reacting – again), that you will throw him out and tell him, ‘fine then go live with your father full time, because your not going to act that way in this house. ‘ Then you will miss him, but you won’t know what to do, because clearly he CAN’T act like that. I mean, you have other children to consider, after all, but then he will be gone and there’s nothing you can do, because that’s the way it has to be.

Don’t try this at home, really just trust me, THIS IS HOW IT WILL GO DOWN.

* I think Ms. Patterson will be proud of my run on skills in this one. Mad skills I tell you, mad skills.

posted by Erika at @ 8:32 am | 7 Comments

posted by Erika at @ 7:06 pm | 3 Comments

Yesterday was my six month anniversary with this blog, but did it take me out to dinner? No. Typical.

I did how ever manage to spend some time going over all 143 posts. Like this one, or maybe this one, or maybe this, or this one, or just this one . Anyway, just some past musings I happened to chuckle at. Take them or leave them.

(Six months, and I’m still leaving my particles dangling. Mrs. Patterson from sixth grade is probably pulling her hair out.)

Things are still a bit hectic around here, but I am really looking forward to them settling down next week, or defiantly the week after. Until then, please enjoy some reruns from above or the archives. Really, there is some good stuff hidden there, if I do say so myself.

Oh, yeah, I’m going to be a widow soon as Jeff has a staph infection, AND IS STILL WORKING! Please send all condolences and monetary contributions to DRY Inc, as soon as possible.
Thank you, the management

posted by Erika at @ 8:18 am | 4 Comments

Two facts need to be understood. First, no plan has ever been put into place to evacuate the city of New Orleans’ poorest, the people who would need it the most. It was known, and discussed, but, like strengthen the levees to handle above a category 3 storm, it was put off for lack of a final solution and money. Somehow, we let this happened. We all failed the people of New Orleans in this. And second, none of this would be at this level of devastation, had the levees held. People need to understand that fact. This isn’t about just the hurricane that came through. The levee breech in 2, and possibly 3 separate places did entire areas of New Orleans, and its residents in. This is where the bulk of the deaths and destruction occurred.

Our fair city, Baton Rouge, is now doubled in size. We were hovering at somewhere over 400,000 people, and are now close to one million. Our infrastructure is being stretched to its maximum capacity, and like the levees, just might not hold. It is impossible to travel anywhere, the grid lock is horrendous, and housing is desperately needed. Apartments are all rented and the housing market is moving quickly. Yesterday, there was not a house in the MLS listings for less than $300,000. I have no idea what this is going to do the job market and unemployement, only time will tell.

The medical community has responded like nothing I’ve ever seen. Our Department of Health and Housing, FEMA and Red Cross have been inundated with calls from medical professionals who want to come help, to the point where they can not respond, they can’t keep up with the lists of who wants to come and where needs help. I am not knocking these agencies, just stating the facts. This, in addition to helping to run our Stake Center shelter, is what Mandi and I have been doing.

Through some work and word of mouth, our names and numbers have gone out as someone to contact if you want to help. Mandi has embraced this with open arms and set up a command central in her home. That woman has a phone and is not afraid to use it. She has lists of medical professionals through out the country, mostly physicians, who want to come and help, and is compiling list of out lying areas where help is needed. We are working with DHH and with out them to help facilitate the red tape and get medical help where it is needed. She is also in contact with several medical teams here, who are backing up my mental health endeavors and our church shelter. In a nut shell, Mandi tells us where to go and we go.

We had a family doctor from Wisconsin and his assistant actually practicing out of the stake center for the last 2 days, (thank you Dr. Barry). And a psychiatrist flying in from Idaho tonight to work with a team of doctors at Jimmy Swaggart’s college and back up my mental health efforts. In addition we plan to go into Washington Parish next week with a team. Communication there is still sketchy, so we are not sure exactly what we will find, but Mandi has been in contact with some local offical’s. We will do what we can. We have learned of woman and her 17 year old daughter who is pregnant and due and day, staying in a trailer without electricity in that Parish. We hope to bring them out to stay at mine or Mandi’s house and be closer to medical attention for when the time comes. We only hope they will be willing to leave with strangers.

It has been a busy few weeks, and the coming week promises to be busier. I have hopes things will start to settle down after that and we can simply facilitate the medical teams and see my regular and new clients. You know, form some sort of sense of a new reality, a new normal. I really do crave that.

I also want to mention that Mandi keeps saying she is nobody, just a SAHM, and I’m the one with the title, but she has done more than any somebody I’ve seen. Like I said, I just go where she tells me to, and I certainly couldn’t go, if she wasn’t watching the cherubs. Did I not mention she has been doing all this with 5 children under the age of 5? Second, I would really like to thank our families, particularly our husbands, and kids, whose lives have totally been disrupted by all this. We have had strangers in our homes, the kids haven’t gotten the attention they deserve, I have been working a lot of hours, and our husbands have had to take on a lot more home duties, in addition to they’re 40 plus hours a week jobs. So thank you DRY, Inc. and Little Miss households. We couldn’t do all this without you.

*Jeff, thank you, really, for putting up with all the Louisiana Pink Cross efforts, as you’ve taken to calling our endeavors.

posted by Erika at @ 9:16 am | 9 Comments