Today you turn 19 years old.

I know, that is my reaction too.

While I was able to get out of writing your birthday letter last year, by spending hours putting together a birthday video, I doubt that will work this year. But I am beginning to see where you get the ability to spend hours getting out of a task that would take minutes to complete if you only focused on it.

This year has been more of the same. I can’t really think of much that has changed over this past year. You continue to work full time and date Sam. I guess something new is that you have formally declared your intentions to marry Sam. That in fact, you would have already married her if you could find health insurance on your own. But the state of our country’s health insurance is not something that I am willing to go into just to avoid your birthday letter.

You continue to be a hard worker, sometimes working 12 or 14 hour days. This is nothing new, you have always been willing to put in a honest days work and then some.

You have grand plans of moving out into your own place and I have grand plans of what I will do with the largest room in this house once you’re gone. I want you to know, that I will always dream of what I can do with that room, but if it never happens, it’s okay. You will always have a place in this house as long as I own it. That doesn’t mean that you can’t go, just make sure you’re ready.

Last night we celebrated your birthday with a few of your friends. Jeff grilled burgers and Emie and I made you chocolate cake. It was really nice of you to fit us in your busy schedule. Who knew we only had to feed four of your closest friends to achieve it?

Jacob, I love you. I know that we don’t always agree, and I’m pretty sure that’s because you are wrong, but I still love you. Nothing you do will ever change that. I’m proud of the person you are growing into and I hope that you continue to make good decisions. (And stop making poor ones.) No matter what you do or where you go in life, I will always be here if you need me. I expect great things out of you, despite our rocky start.

Have a great birth day, week, year and life. I hope this one is the best one yet!

Love,
Mom

I’m swimming in a pool of parenting indecision. I have no idea what the right thing to do here. Jacob is making adult decisions with out the benefit of adult brains, knowledge or experience. We’ve all be there. We all did it to some degree or another. That’s how we pass from childhood into adulthood. We all survived right? Please tell me we all survived.

There are a world of decisions that must be made because Jacob has decided that this is the way his life should go. I can lead, follow or get out of the way. There are consequences to each of those decisions and I just don’t know the best path to choose. Do I throw my values to wind and jump in and help, or just let the kid sink or swim? I realize of course, that there is no right answer here. I will make a decision and we will all get through this. There will be consequences no matter what, but we will get through them. This too shall pass, and then some other shit will start up and I won’t even remember why I stressed over this so.

But stress is where I sit. And where I will sit until I make the decision and we all live with it. Until the next drama. Until I finally make that parenting crystal ball.

Saturday, we headed out to the State Capitol for a family photo shoot. Our photographer took some fantastic pictures. Becky treated me to a sneak preview, and now you get to see them too. Lucky you!

Look at that crowd. You do not want to meet them in a dark alley.

Hard core cherubs. Do not make any sudden movements.

Oh look, the gangs all here.

Becky kept saying “She has so much personality!” Were looking into where that came from.

Dance baby, dance.

Awww, look what we made honey.

My monkey. I love that buck toothed boy. Even if he is the world’s youngest teenager. And yes, I am running his life.

How did he get bigger than me. I did not approve this people.

Really, I’m the only one who committed here. Work with me people.

My stair steps. Sorta.

A big thank you to Becky Thalgott Photography for her amazing pictures. You can see more a few more here. You know you want to!

BTW Becky has a guest post up over at Lexi’s blog (which is how I found her), where she gives some fantastic basic photography tips.

I love my camera. I love my cherubs. I love my family. It is all absolutely perfect. I have the greatest husband on the planet. I love my life. And I love this blog. It was never about visitors. I’m happy to hang out here all by myself. It has always allowed me to be creative. To write, design, post pictures or ignore it. What ever I want, it is here for me. I do love this blog. Isn’t it pretty?

It is probably time for a state of the family address around here, it’s been over a year. Yeah I’m a slacker.

So in the past year, DRY Ink has managed to see both younger cherubs deposited into the gifted program and Jacob safely enrolled in welding school and continuing to run his own business. In more recent developments, Jacob has begun to acknowledge that he does in fact need a GED. This has nothing to do with me saying it for the past 2 years. Nooooo, his boss has put the hammer down and told him to get his GED. (Thank you.) Jack’s has been on break from sports, but is returning to soccer shortly and we have pledged to allow football into his life in the fall. He has also managed to achieve straight A’s. Emie continues to dance, dance, dance and despite the recent drama with her dance teacher being fired, is looking forward to her review, in which she has less than 9 weeks to learn a brand new routine. Big fun here at DRY Ink. She continues to do well in school also, earning AB honor roll.

Jeff is still kicking butt in his job and stays fairly busy. He has managed to carve out time to join a baseball team of his own. They have been practicing for a few weeks and games start up at the end of March. Jeff is in heaven. As for me, I continue to tear apart the house, lament that it is not finished and see a few clients. It looks like I’m on track to actually be licensed next spring. But yeah, I’m not excited yet, I’ll believe it when I see it.

As far as the family as a whole, big things are on the horizon there too. In addition to my birthday coming up in a few short weeks, we are hitting the Utah slopes later this month. I am so excited to share with the cherubs a sport that I love with a purple polka dotted passion. I can’t wait to spend time with them in the snow.

In the category of bomb shells; we here are DRY Ink are in the process of exploring the possibility of adopting another cherubs. We are gluten for punishment around here. We are really feeling like we were beginning to be able to handle things. Nooooo, we can’t have that, chaos will rain, or we will work to create it. So were are nearing the end of our home study process. We should be wrapped up by the end of the month, and we’ll see what happens from there.

So while good things have happened in the past year here at DRY Ink, we always have room to improve. I am looking forward to more family time, finishing up some major construction projects at head quarters, (including that damn mud room), and possibly increasing DRY Ink’s over all size.

As for me, right now, I’m recovering from a nasty bout with the flu, the weather acting like December in March, and fireplace mantel rebuild that won’t cooperate, so I am taking myself to the movies today.

Stay tuned, there’s sure to be never a dull moment. We’ll make sure of it.

And just like that he is gone again. Having his needs met he has once again disappeared back into his own life, but this time I am left with a new peace for the first time in almost 2 years. I no longer cry when I think about him and what we have been through. I have forgiven him, but most of all I have forgiven myself.

I entered into this experience troubled, should I be doing this? Am I simply enabling him? I decided, right or wrong, he was going to do what he was going to do, and I might as well help with the things he honestly needs. Mostly for two reasons. I had taken the other road every time given the choice over his 17 years and that has turned out oh so well. What’s the definition of insanity again? The second reason being, just because he doesn’t believe it is true, does not change the fact that he is still a child and needs help. He needs to be taught how to do things in order to function in this society. It has become exorbitantly clear, no one else is going to help with this. That’s okay. I am his mother, it is my job and my responsibility, no matter how many poor decisions he makes or how many times he hurts me. News flash, the responsibility lies with me. I guess I have finally figured out it is time to put on my big girl panties.

So I helped. As counter intuitive as this was for me. But guess what? It worked. I now understand him better. He opened up, let me in and I understand what is going on in his life, what he is struggling with and why some of the things that happened a year and a half ago happened. I think, though I’m not certain, that we may have even learned to disagree. I hope he now knows where I stand and that he can turn to me for what he needs and knows where my values lie to not ask for what I can’t support, but that I still love him regardless. If he has in fact learned that, then all was a success.

1 tank of gas: $53.12
1 dodge truck starter: $94.46
2 new front tires: $165
1 new duplicate drivers license: $13
1 new checking account and lessons on how to balance it: free
4 days with a 17 year old: priceless

But do me a favor, don’t mention it to anyone that it took me 17 damn years to figure all this out. It’ll be our secret, okay? And the big girl panties? They take a little getting used to, but I think they’re gonna work just fine.

Jacob,

Happy birthday! I can hardly believe you’re 17. I’m so glad they don’t let people have babies at 4, like I did, anymore. Dude, that’s just wrong.

I’m so excited for you this birthday, because today is the day you will finally get a driver’s license and get to drive your truck. All legal and all. That’s cool. That should open up a world of possibilities for you. I thought I would never see this day, that we would never get your seizures under control. But here we are. Go you.

This has been a crazy year. (In case you weren’t paying attention.) This is the year I learned that I have to let you go. Not just let you move out because you and your father are being an ass, but actually let you go, and learn to fly on your own. Let you start to make mistakes and learn from them. On. Your. Own. Needless to say, I’ve been incredible crappy at this thus far. The words: monumental failure may even come to mind. But some how, I’m actually learning to do this and guess what? You’re pretty good at this on your own stuff. I guess you could say that I owe you an apology for underestimating you. (So okay, I’m sorry.) You have managed to become quite found of a pretty nice girl, work all summer, save up enough money to buy a truck, and even purchase some lawn care equipment and start your own business. Maybe I should have shown you the door at 10, who knows, you might rule the world by now. Just joking. Sorta.

I know I held on way too tight for way too long. I’m not sure why I couldn’t recognize that you are the sort of kid who just needs to experience things on your own, your own way. I was that kind of kid, and I still am, but I guess I just wanted to save you from some of my mistakes. In that quest, I lost track of what was important: you. I just got so caught up in giving you the best life you could possible have, I forgot that you don’t actually belong to me, and that my idea of the best life might not actually be your idea. Don’t get me wrong, I still think I’m right, and that you will eventually see that, I just now understand better that you have to find out I’m right in your own time and own way. Sure you may fall down along the way, but that’s part of the learning experience and in the end, you are smart enough to make it through just fine, no matter where it is you decide you’re headed.

Jacob, I truly hope one day you’ll come to understand what took me way too long to learn; that God only lends us children, and that from the day that they are born, the process of letting go begins. It’s our job as parents to figure out how to balance all that; teaching them what they need to know and then letting them experience things for themselves. It’s a lot of balls in the air. It is not easy, but boy is it worth it. Some how wanting to save you turn into a struggle for control. I couldn’t see that at the time that I had cross the line and lost sight of the big picture.

You are one of the neatest people I know. You have an amazing view of the world and the best sense of humor. Like earlier this week when I walked out into the front yard, and you just came running up outta nowhere and tackled me. Who does that? I couldn’t stop laughing. But then when Jack and Em piled on, you helped me up and told them, ‘okay, that’s enough.’ You tackled me and saved me all in about 30 seconds.

I’m proud of the person you are growing up to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t see the big picture for awhile there. I see it now. I look forward to you figuring out the person you will eventually be and Jacob, I miss you so very much.

Love,

Mom