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In My Head

I feel all unsettled and can’t quite get comfortable. I have all these amazing things in my life. I have an amazing life, so run back and forth between them trying to settle things, but I just can’t quite touch it.
I think about quitting, but I’ve been a therapist, in training to be a therapist or planning to train to be a therapist for the past 20 years. Without that I’m unsure of who I am, so I take more pictures. Then they go in the pile to be edited and stack up with the other things I’m neglecting because somehow I can’t take pictures without you telling me what to take pictures of. That’s not art. So I think I should get my MFA and become a “real” photographer. That will somehow settle things.
Maybe it’s Jacob moving out and doing so well, and the youngest cherubs are just getting so damn big and we have been on the adoption list for years. Maybe it’s time to move on, but then Emme talks about a sister and my heart breaks, but there is nothing I can do about it. So I don’t dare go there. And they have just been so in my face this summer, but school starts in mere days. It’s just so unsettled.
The 5th anniversary of Katrina is coming up and I think I’m ready to talk about it, but you can’t have Gustav. Not yet. So I plan road trips and I go and travel and visit and take pictures. I love that, but eventually it all has to slow down and I stop and things still aren’t right.
I’m not happy with my body, but I’m size 4/6, so that just seems ridiculous. I should start working out again. I should drink less diet Dr. Pepper. Or maybe I should just stop caring and live in a bikini for a week. That seemed to work out well while I was at the beach.
And my period is coming, can it be that simple? I listen to music and decide I need to create, so I start another project around the house that either works or doesn’t work and then I work on it until it does. But then it ends or I wander off and I’m in the exact same position as when I started all this.
I’m drifting around aimless and can’t seem to find my place. Maybe it’s time to try some of the new generation ADHD medications. Maybe that will fix this. But then I would have to go to the doctor for regular med checks and that just seems to end up in the ‘to do’ pile, see above. Besides starting new medications is always such a pain. I can’t even talk myself into going back on the pill, when I know it clears my skin up.
Maybe I’ll just wait until next week when my period is over and see how I feel. And maybe I’ll call right now to make an appointment to go back on the pill.

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  • RachelAugust 11, 2010 - 1:43 pm

    There’s got to be something going on with the moon and people’s cycles this month. It seems to have been worse for everyone I know, including myself. So, I vote for waiting to make these decisions until after it’s over. I don’t doubt that they are all there and all real. But they may seem less intense after the period. So, that’s my two cents.

  • TifAugust 12, 2010 - 3:21 pm

    1 – You should wait to re-evaluate after school starts and you have a week. 2 – not drinking ddp after noon is messing with your mind. Even heroin addicts get a little medication to help out. Wean more slowly. 3 – It is this FREAKIN’ heat! You get brain damage at 108*, you know it’s been hot enough for that! 4 – It’s time to do some work on your second house. That might help. I hate that bathroom faucet so much I just cringe everytime I look at it.

    haha – like how I made it about me?

    I had a really good reply for two days but I never wrote it down and now it is gone. I think I told you, though, right? And you remembered, right? ‘Cause I think I was spot on.

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